karma is just overthinking. but memory is real and conscience exists. sometimes you're good and other times bad. good and bad are determined by actions. good and bad happens to us all- all the time. any bad that happens forces us to remember our own previous bad actions. so that the next time you do something bad; a conscience exists. not perhaps because you genuinely feel bad but you know that somewhere along the way you'll get fucked over for being a dick. conscience is a reminder of the shit that could one day backfire. but hey further more, good and bad, to an extent, are just opinions. nothing matters. fuck everything.
i want to go and see a lavender field and sunflower field and poppy field. swim in a lake, shower under a water fall, bathe in a hot spring, cleanse in mud, immerse into a turquoise ocean. i want to lay on white sand. see a flock of pink flamingos, ride an elephant. these are the interesting things in life. not some shitty party in a club made so dark to stop us from seeing thinking and realising just how hideous everyone everything is. this was my realisation this weekend whilst being in a shitty dark club with hideous people.
spinach for iron. spinach for calcium. spinach for protein. beans for protein. radish for potassium. cucumber for salt. tomatoes for vitamins A C K. balsamic for antioxidants. a salad is just a cocktail of nutrients.
you don't hear it. that voice in your head. not really. its not a voice. not your voice. you give it a voice. you remember it through memory of words written down. how they sound. you think and recall and imagine and it replays inside your head as an audio. sometimes you see the words in your head. but not really. thinking is pretty weird. sometimes the thoughts are so strong it forces you to say the words out loud. then you feel crazy.
baby spinach, wild rocket, red onion, avocado, tomato, balsamic vinegar.
i rather a salad of leaves than one with lettuce. spinach. rocket. easier to chew, swallow, stomach. tomato goes well. avocado improves it. red onion is god. and balsamic just because. i'm not sure but why not.
living is amazing. to be able to think and see and smell and eat and talk and hear. to be able to communicate, build a relationship, friendship, partnership, have children. see the sun rise, feel the sun shine, feel the heat and energy on our skin. experience senses. life is breathing and simply being. being alive is mad and crazy and crazy and mad. having knowing feeling. its not about the money the clothes your job, your status, your face, your mum or your dad. nothing matters. at any moment we could all die. appreciate life. x
ripe watermelons are ripe when you knock and they sound hollow because they are hollow because they are ripe. and the riper they are, the higher the water content thus the heavier the melon. a yellow dot marks the spot where the melon fell onto the ground and chilled until ripe as opposed to being prematurely picked. maybe find one thats nice and dark in green. mines stripy which perhaps is not the best but it was the last one there and i figured i could juice it which is an idea if you happen to pick a bland baddie.
post-gym sweaty betty. been feelin a bit wrong lately and so i joined the gym. having not participated in movement for quite awhile now, i died. it was atrocious. but i feel great. exercise was most definitely the missing link. sleep well, eat well, keep hydrated, move yourself, sweat, get your heartbeat racing, lymphatics pumping, bask in sunshine, meditate and breathe.
i realised today that the easiest way to enjoy life is to think the same as everyone else and be the same as everyone else. because once you think differently to everyone, you're not the same as everyone. you'll see how differently everyone thinks and how different everyone is and how fucking stupid they are and this will most definitely make you kill yourself.
in my mind. the only way to be able eat all the foods that you desire in an abundance that its satisfying, without becoming an unhealthy beast, is by changing what it is that you would like to consume. all our choices begin in the mind. temptation, wrong thoughts, bad decisions. temporary indulgence feeds a lifetime habit. so cleanse your palate, change your mind. clearer thoughts make better decisions. it is important to know the difference between being satisfied and feeling shit.
knees weak, arms heavy, palms sweaty, frustrated and things begin to itch. then, a chill, an overwhelming sensation rushes through you, tingling and then numb. you shiver, its coming. you feel it, you want it, its becoming harder to breathe. please. yes. please just. its here. you gasp. explosion. its done. relief. hallelujah i sneezed. was pollen excruciatingly high today or what. i've been sneezing my fucking face off for the best part of all day. christ. worst bout of hayfever since being alive.
fruit for breakfast, fruit for lunch, fruit before dinner, after dinner, during dinner. fruit all the time. high in sugar, high in carbs. highly energising, revitalising. high in fibre, minerals, nutrients. highly filling, highly satisfying, highly beneficial.
things have become a little suffocating as of late and so i decided to enter maniac mode and go batshit mad crazy at my room. i've thrown out literally, virtually, pretty much everything. declutter delete detach remove. it feels so nice to bin shit. i feel mentally lighter. clarity clarity clarity. theres not much you need to survive.
things don't always happen for a reason. we just like to make reason for everything that happens. the truth is that things happen, and some of the things that happen do not derive from any reason. but we don't believe that this could happen and we can't accept that there is no purpose. so when something we expect to happen does not happen, we reason it with a reason. but to be honest, if something doesn't happen, then it's because you didn't let it happen. because everything always happens. reason or no reason- things will happen. no matter what. nothing is infinite and we should make the most of everything that could should and would happen if we let it.
isn't it ironic how we buy shit food and eat shit food just to make us feel less shit when we feel shit but all it ever does is make us feel more shit and look shit which overall turns us into absolute insufferablecomplete shits. i've gone sixty days/~two months no shit food. shit food being anything other than organic fruits vegetables nuts and seeds in their natural raw uncooked state. no refined sugar, refined salt, refined carbs, refined oils, transfats, artificial flavourings, additives, animals or animal by-products, etc etc. basically anything with a face and a mother, anything man-made, anything wrapped in plastic or with texture resembling plastic- none of that. i can honestly say that this is the furthest away from shit that i have ever felt since being conscious of living.
so i have a friend who was verging on complete physical mentalsocial breakdown purely because her phone had died. i don't understand emotional attachment to objects. replaceable items- unsustainable joy. objects don't make you happy. new objects do. understandably because you're human and humans are curious to all things new and shiny. but new objects get old. initial happiness- gone. you just end up buying more and more new shit that becomes old shit which you can't throw away because you're so god damn attached- to an object.
i advocate clearing shit out on a regular basis. to charity or another person. whatever whoever, just detach yourself from everything. objects have no value. your phone is not your life. if it is then please reevaluate. cause when you're not holding onto the old, you're more receptive to the new and that's basically what we crave in the first place.
more often than not its the ones that know right from wrong who find it hardest to be good. for example. i know i should revise. revising is useful/helpful/advised and i should probably do so. however, suns out so fuck it.
coursework completed. uni done. but this apparent freedom- it does not actually exist for i still have SO. MUCH. SHIT to do. my list won't end. on and on and on it fucking goes.like you know when adults say you're at a different stage in life to them. does it mean they're at the point of maturity where they've accepted life for its atrociousness whilst you're still living in lalaland waiting to encounter breakdown. yeah. mmhmmm alright then.
weird to know people still come and read the shit i have to say. nothing interesting here. go save yourselves.
what have i done today though. well i woke up (which was a good start), did work, had an egg. then prawn crackers. then another egg. more prawncrackers- only with houmous this time. got dressed, went to sportsdirect- which can i just say, is always an experience. how many uneducated people do we realistically need in this life. anyways. went to gym, went on treadmill, died, got off, stretched, skipped weights (cos whats point when i have beansprouts for arms like they're really just extensions of uselessness). went home and now i'm sat here. doing work again. eating prawncrackers- again. Again.